We all get turned on by different things. How much we enjoy the activities that we do is directly linked to how much we are turned on by them. Anything that we do: listening to music, going to the theater, reading a book, watching a film or eating a delicious meal, we won’t enjoy it if we cannot get aroused by it. Of course, when doing those activities, we don’t necessarily get aroused by them in a sexual way, so we might not even recognize this arousal as such. We are used to associating the fact of being turned on with a response that can only be sexual in nature, forgetting that all of our senses can be aroused.
We can also be intellectually aroused by a good book, or emotionally aroused when listening to a song. This is because it all starts in our minds. The mind is part of the body, they work together and cannot be separated. Intellectual and emotional arousal work on the same principle and come from the same place as sexual arousal.
Sex obviously turn us on in a more explicit way and we usually do it with the goal or reaching climax, which is naturally something we enjoy. So, why not find the things in sex that make us enjoy it even more? If we’re into having our feet licked, talking dirty or watching someone get it on with someone else, getting a kick out if is fundamentally the same as liking a particular song or movie: it’s about pleasure.
And we should allow ourselves to feel pleasure. There’s nothing wrong with it, nothing wrong with doing the little things that we like and find enjoyment in it. There’s even nothing wrong with calling them fetishes. It is a fetish, for example, wanting to be tied to the bed and spanked. It is an expression of something we enjoy that makes sex even better for us. London mistress Valerie August says that almost everyone has some sort of fetish or ‘kinky’ interest, although even they may not be aware of it!
Fetishes are nothing to shy away from. We should explore them if we can. Find out how much pleasure we can really get out of them and how far we can take them. Only then can we know whether something that in theory may attractive and interesting in theory is the same when done in real life. We might discover that it’s not, or we might discover that we can enjoy it more than we thought.
We should not repress our desire to try something new, try those little things that may bring us satisfaction and make our sexual experiences feel complete and fulfilling. We should allow ourselves to be kinky, be daring and be pleased.
After all, the little things in life are what make it what it is. Let’s not think of fetishes as “strange” or “abnormal”, they’re just little things that we can enjoyed. But we must remember that others may not share our perception of things. Everyone is different and what works for one person might not work for another. We should try to be open about what we want sexually and see if we can make it work with someone else. But everyone involved to be on the same page. It’s the only way that a fetish can be truly explored and truly enjoyed.
What if we haven’t thought about any fetishes? We all have sexual desires. When we like someone, and feel attracted to them, it’s normal that we will want to share intimacy with them. Maybe all we’re interested in is regular old-fashioned sex. That is all right, but the other person might be interested in something more. It could be good to try and explore their fetishes with them and perhaps even realize that we enjoy them as well.
It’s not about going around trying new things and partake in all sort of sexual activities just to try them out. It’s that sometimes we don’t try things out because we never really think of them without putting our judgments in front of us, and we discard what could be an enjoyable experience without a second thought.
For example, some of us would be definitely taken aback if our partner told us that they’re into voyeurism. We automatically reject the idea of watching our partner have sex with someone else, or having sex with someone else while they watch. We are quick to judge that sort of thing because we’ve been conditioned to do so by moral standards. However, if we open ourselves and open our minds, there is a chance we’ll find something that we can take pleasure in.
Now, exploring our fetishes and desires does not mean losing our moral standards. It just means relaxing them a little. It means forgetting about overly strict ideas of right and wrong. It’s not wrong to make ourselves or someone else happy. As human beings, we have a great capacity to enjoy ourselves, to enjoy the world and to enjoy each other. There’s no need to put unnecessary barriers on ourselves.
Let’s not let it get out of hand
It is a good idea, if we’re exploring our fetishes with someone else, to set ground rules, so that things don’t get out of control, be open-minded about other people’s fetishes, just as we would want them to be open about ours, and always make sure that the other person (or persons) are having a good time. Find a safe word, so that everyone can signal how far they’re willing to go.
Communication is very important. We are all human beings and we are all capable, or can at least try to understand where someone else is coming from when they share their sexual desires and turn-ons with us. If we communicate, we are far less likely not end up hurting ourselves or the other person. It’s pleasure we’re after, not pain (although pain can also bring pleasure to some), but we want to have pleasant experiences that could be repeated if we find the right person. We don’t want to go or make someone else go through something awful that will cause negative feelings later on.